It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels
by Electric Dream
Summary: AU: Dean died when he was 17...right? So why is Sam seeing him everywhere? Is he going crazy like his father thinks? Or is that really his brother?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own supernatural or the boys no matter how much I would want to. I'm just borrowing them.

**Hey all, this idea wouldn't stop leaving me alone so I had to write it down. Let me know what you think and whether it's worth continuing. Don't forget reviews are awesome and let me know that you want this continued. **

"GET AWAY FROM MY SON'S!" John screeched breaking through the trees into the clearing. Instantly his heart leaped up into his throat and tears pushed at the corner of his eyes at the sight that greeted him. The metallic stench filtered up into his nose making it even harder for the hunter to remain standing.

There were splotches of blood upon random points of the forest floor. An abandoned duffel lay shredded and torn a couple of feet away from two figures within the clearing. One of these figures was lying as still as death upon the floor with another one looming over them desperately.

Even from where John was standing he could tell that the outcome was disastrous for his family, in his head the only coherent thought was a simple question. Which one? Which one had fallen? Who was the next in the Winchester family to be claimed victim? John knew deep in his heart that it didn't matter which son had been taken from him as he knew that where one goes the other would follow in a heartbeat.

Swallowing past the uncomfortable lump that had formed at the back of his throat he forced his legs to walk forward towards the sight. His heart pounded painfully in his chest and he found himself praying silently in his head. He was literally praying to someone he doesn't believe in. How could there be a God with so much evil happening in the world? What the hell had he done to make God hate him so much? What had he done to be punished like this?

He walked on shaking legs, inching ever closer to the two figures and with every step he took the despair increased its pressure upon his shoulders. By now he was only a couple of feet away and he could make out the horrified and distraught cries of his youngest son...that would mean...the realization was enough to floor him as if he had been knocked out during a round of boxing. John came crashing to his knees as he allowed the despair to wash over him. A sob pushed its way past his lips and for a moment he remained in this position frozen with his youngest son's cries his only company.

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!"

"YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME!"

"YOU'RE A FUCKING SEFLISH JERK THAT IS ALL YOU EVER WERE!"

"PLEASE WAKE UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, PLEASE I NEED YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME, JUST OPEN YOUR EYES AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER BITCH AT YOU AGAIN. JUST OPEN THOSE DAMNED EYES!"

From that point the shouts became incoherent through what John assumed was the tears snaking their way down his son's cheeks, ones to mirror his own. His heart crumpled in his chest and he wanted nothing more than to escape this intolerable heartache. He wanted nothing more than to track down the bastard who had started this whole mess and make him pay for all the pain he had caused him and then he would eat the butt of his own rifle for good measure. But at this point in time he knew it didn't matter what he wanted nor needed not when there was a fourteen year old boy who was dependent on him, not when there was a fourteen year old boy who needed him to make everything better even though John knew that nothing would make this situation any more bearable. He wasn't the one suited for that job, he never was and he knew he would never be. This day he knew that his family had been torn apart, he hadn't just lost one son but them both.

Pushing the crushing sorrow and pain deep inside of himself the elder hunter managed after a couple of attempts to stand on his feet once more. He had to suck it up no matter how painful it might be he needed to put on a brave face for the young boy who needed his father now more than ever. He needed to be the strong one once more no matter how much he was dying inside.

Slowly he walked over to where his two sons were and silently he kneeled down wrapping a strong arm around his youngest shoulders. He could see the boy's lips moving but no words were coming out. John didn't need to hear it to know what his boy was saying. There would be only one word on his lips at the moment in time. The only word that had managed to bring comfort to the fourteen years old when John had failed in that aspect.

_Dean. _

* * *

John pulled his shaking and sobbing son tight into his chest and allowed his shirt to soak up his youngest tears. He buried his head in his son's hair while he couldn't help but allow his eyes to glance over towards his eldest. A slither of vomit made its ascent up his throat threatening to come cascading out whenever he opened his mouth next.

His eldest was lying so unnaturally still that it was uncharacteristic of him. Blood soaked his ripped clothing that at the moment John couldn't help but feel slightly amazed at the amount of blood that is present inside a human body. His son's hair was plastered onto his head no longer sticking up in a spiked style that was his trademark style. The usual cocky grin and teasing manner was no longer on his pale blue lips and his vacant green eyes stared up at nothing.

This wasn't his son. This wasn't the Dean Winchester John loved. This was a shell of a person without the essence, without the soul that makes them who they are. That thought alone was crushing enough.

His child was gone.

His child had suffered at the hands of a wolfish demon.

His child was dead and it was his entire fault.

Dean was dead...his and Mary's beautiful seventeen years old were dead...

"Dean," he heard Sam cry softly into his ear and John lifted his hand to rub at his only remaining child's back the way he had seen his eldest comfort him when he was upset. He was no replacement for the real thing and he never will be. There will always be that hole in his and his son's heart where Dean should have been.

"I know," John whispered quietly in Sam's ear finally able to tear his eyes away from the sight of his bloodied eldest. "I know," he repeated not knowing what to say or do in this situation. Instead he just held onto his remaining family tighter internally swearing to protect him with every last breath, swearing to not allow anything to happen to this boy. Internally he made a promise to his eldest that he would do everything in his power to look after Sam. In the end it was the least he could do.

He had failed Mary.

He had failed Dean.

There was no way he was going to fail Sam as well. He was all he had left and he was going to hold onto that boy with an iron chain if he had to. He couldn't lose anyone else he refused to.

His own tears ran fiercely down his cheeks and both father and son grasped onto each other with such an immense grip to ground themselves into this reality. They sobbed through the pain of their lost with neither one able to comprehend just what they had lost this night. They had lost the middle of their family unit, the strongest, the rock, the hero, they had lost their Dean.

They had lost both a brother and a son.

John knew that in a way to his youngest son it would be like losing a father, mother, best friend and a brother all in one and he couldn't imagine just what the hell that would feel like. Swallowing past the lump at the back of his throat the eldest Winchester attempted to control the ever flowing tears. He didn't need his remaining son to see him like this.

"Sammy," he whispered gently into the boy's ear which forced him to lift his head from his chest in the process. His hand continued to rub a soothing circle onto the fourteen year olds back as he spoke. "I need you to go to the car son."

"Dean..." Sam mumbled. The tears continued to pour down his cheeks, his hazel eyes were red rimmed as he attempted to turn his head to take one last look at his brother. However John cupped his son's cheek firmly, halting any movement of his head. "Dean," Sam repeated brokenly.

"I know Sammy I know," John muttered once more half hoping to hear the automatic retort of 'it's Sam' but it never came. His boy was hurting bad and there was nothing he could do about it. John knew that he wasn't the one that was needed. He wasn't the one who would be able to make things better. That had always fallen to Dean and Dean alone. And now...now...he was never....he was...

Stifling the desperate sobs that were overwhelming his system John coughed attempting to make his voice sound as even as possible. "Son..." John paused briefly while his mind screamed at him that he now only had one left, his other...his eldest...well...he was lying in a pool of his own blood...pushing that thought aside forcefully the elder Winchester continued. "I'm going to let you go now and you need to go to the car, you understand me?"

Sam shook his head while his hand tightened its grip upon John's shirt. "Dean," he continued to mumble and it was clear that he was suffering from shock.

Some more tears slipped past John's defences, his whole body felt numb, his legs refused to move and he knew that it was the solid weight of his son in his arms that kept him grounded. If it wasn't for that...well...use your imagination. He had lost nearly everything that was dear to him, nearly everyone he had ever loved and nearly lost his whole world. With this thought the elder Winchester tightened one arm around his son's waist while the other rummaged into his pocket for his cell.

Inhaling deeply he flipped it open and subconsciously recited the desired number from heart. After a couple of rings a gruff voice answered. Attempting once more to swallow past the golf ball the eldest Winchester mumbled some coordinates and hung up, leaving no room for explanations, knowing that he wasn't able to voice what had happened. He also knew that there was no way in hell his youngest was going to be letting go of his shirt anytime soon so he needed back up.

Finally allowing the rest of his tears freedom John tightened his grip upon his son and brought him closer into his chest. He buried his nose into the mop of brown hair and inhaled deeply. He could feel the teenaged form in his arms shaking with the silent sobs but there was nothing he could do about it.

That fact tore his heart completely from his chest. He had lost everything about from one. Sam was all that mattered now. Everything else could go to hell, his little boy was all he cared about, and he was all he had left.

Tightening his grip for the last time John lifted his head from Sam's hair and allowed his eyes to settle on his eldest.

Silently he made a pledge. He promised that he would do everything in his power to keep Sam safe...he owed that much to Dean. He was going to protect his family no matter what the cost maybe. There was no way he was going to allow another Winchester to die...not on his watch.

Unaware that the same pledge was being made at the same time but somewhere completely different...

* * *

Above them the clouds parted and a single ray of light beamed down upon the small family unit, caressing them softly until their heart shattering grief became minor tears. Birds began to sing around them...their song full of hope and faith. The forest came to life with all the animals joining in with this song.

Proclaiming the moment an angel gained its wings...

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2

Light streamed in through the gap in the tattered curtain. Penetrating through the darkness that had fallen over the tiny room. The only occupant was curled up in the foetal position upon the bed closest to the window, furthest from the door. The small form shuddered with every breath they took and the only sound was the occasional sob that managed to escape their lips. It was here the person had taken shelter almost twelve hours ago now. Only moving when nature called apart from that it was like they were a permanent fixture upon the bed. Like a life-size doll, a shell of a person who had been laughing along with his elder brother only twenty four hours earlier. A shell of a person whose soul and life had been taken from them.

Sam brought his knees closer into his chest while he squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to block out the painful beating of his heart or the heavy feeling deep within his gut. He wanted to shut out the whole world, to stop it from turning altogether. Why should it continue? How can people still be moving around, working and laughing together when he had lost everything? Why was he allowed to continue on in this existence when Dean was...was...was...

A broken sob escaped the fourteen year olds lips at the thought of his beloved elder brother. His hands tightened their death grip upon the leather jacket in his grasp. Slowly he brought it up to his nose and inhaled deeply. The smell of gun powder, leather and aftershave filtered through his nostrils instantly and this just caused the sorrow to greaten. It smelled just like him...it still smelled like Dean.

Tears leaked out of the corner of Sam's eyes as he squeezed them tighter. He wanted to block out everything apart from the smell of his brother. All he wanted was to wake up to find that it was all a dream. He wanted to wake up to see his brother sleeping in the other bed, on his stomach with his right hand under the pillow, holding onto his beloved knife he was given on his seventeenth birthday. With his deep breaths filling the room telling Sam that Dean was still alive, providing Sam with the only lullaby he had ever needed growing up.

"_Sam!" Dean screamed his eyes locking onto Sam's. His emerald eyes were wide and filled with fright; his gun was held loosely in his right hand while his eye moved from Sam's to over his shoulder. Instantly the fourteen year old knew what was happening, he knew what he would see if he was to turn around. _

Sam whimpered slightly as the memories of the past day filled his brain, unable to leave him alone for a few minutes. The ghost scent of blood filled his sinuses; trying to counteract it Sam pressed the jacket even closer into his face. The tears continued to fall and the boy was surprised he had any more to shed.

_Sam swallowed past the lump that had formed through his fear. He could feel the breath on the back of his neck and he knew...just knew...that this was it. This was the end for him. The demon was way too close...his father had picked up the wrong tracks to follow, ordering his son's to head back to the car. And now...now the demon was right behind his shoulder. The great big wolf's teeth were mere inches from his flesh. This was the end. "Dean," he mouthed with a stray tear rolling down his cheek, a mirror image he could see on his elder brother's face. He had never seen his brother cry before, not Dean, not his hero but to see him so broken, so open, so vulnerable had Sam's hope fading fast. Even hero's cry...he knew that but to see it...to see his hero like this...it broke Sam's heart to think that this might be the last thing he ever saw..._

"It should have been me," Sam whimpered on a continuous loop. His eyes remained closed with tears snaking their way out of his closed eyelids. He felt so broken, so empty that he was surprised he was even managing to continue to breathe. His sobs soon turned to hiccups, ones that pounded against his chest with everyone that passed. He welcomed this pain; it proved to be a distraction to the ache of his heart. "Why can't it have been me?"

"_Dean," Sam whimpered as his grip tightened on his own gun hanging from his limp fingers. He couldn't move, he couldn't even breathe properly due to his increasing fear. His eyes remained locked onto his brother. Dean's lips were moving but he could hear no sounds, he could make out no words apart from one. '__**Duck**__.' _

If only he hadn't ducked. If only he had let the beast take him instead. Then he would be somewhere else, somewhere where there would be no pain and somewhere where he knew his brother was safe. Dean was stronger than him; he would have been able to cope with the loss better that much he knew. That much he wanted to believe in. It was all he had left to believe in. His faith had been shattered. Until that point he had always made it his job to pray, he felt like he needed to because he knew about all the evil out there in the world. He needed to pray to keep his family safe...fat lot of good that did...how could there be a God? How could there be a God so cruel to take his seventeen year old brother away from him? There couldn't be a God...if there was what had he done to deserve this? Why him? Why? Why? Why?

_Sam ducked as the sound of a bullet leaving a gun echoed throughout the forest. Behind him he could hear the horrific growl and crunch as the bullet penetrated the creature, where though Sam couldn't tell. There was no way he was going to turn around to find out. But if he knew his brother it would have been a killing blow, no one gets away with messing with Sam and lives to tell the tale, not when big brother is around. Slowly the young teenager lifted his head from his arms and his eyes locked with his brother's, who by now was standing right in front of him. His emerald eyes full of unshed tears with a small smile plastered on his lips. _

"_You alright bro?" he asked while his hands gripped onto Sam's arms helping him up onto his feet in the process. His eyes scrutinized every inch of the fourteen years old seemingly checking for any injuries he could have obtained from the beast. When he was satisfied he returned his gaze to lock onto Sam's own hazel eyes. "Sam?" _

"_Yeah...Yeah I'm good," Sam squeaked out in response with his voice not working properly."I'm good," he repeated once more not quite believing he was still here to live to tell the tale and before he knew it a sob had erupted out of him. _

"_Oh Sammy..." Dean murmured wrapping his arms around Sam gently, bringing him into his chest in the process. The younger boy had always felt safe in his big brother's arms, it was here he knew that nothing could get to him and it was here he felt like he was at home. Not that he would ever tell his brother that...Nah...It was too 'chick flicky' for Dean to handle. _

Sam could feel the tears continue to fall as his ears picked up the sound of footsteps echoing up the ancient staircase. Heavy boots, heavy footsteps that signalised a soul with an immense burden on their shoulders. That could only be one person...John Winchester. Once the sound of the footsteps stopped outside his door a soft knock soon followed. Sam refused to acknowledge the man's presence; instead he brought his knees closer into his chest and tightened his grip upon the leather jacket.

"Sammy..." he hears his father whisper through the door and his voice sounds as rough as he feels. Sam's mind screams out '_its Sam...Its Sam...It's only Sam to you..._' As far as the fourteen year old cares Sammy Winchester died alongside his brother. "Sammy...son...it's time..."

_It happened so quickly yet time seemed to move in slow motion. One moment Sam was wrapped up in his brother's arms with the feeling of security and warmth washing over him and in the next...the next he was upon his ass on the floor looking up in time to see that beast knock Dean onto his back. _

_He could hear the snarls of the beast; he could hear the muffled cries of his brother that soon turned to heart shattering screams. He could hear the flesh being torn from Dean's body along with the blood streaming out of the open wounds. The metallic stench of blood filled the atmosphere while the fourteen year old boy stared at the scene before him transfixed. He wanted to move...he wanted to do something but his body betrayed him. Tears ran down his face as his cries joined in with his elder brother's. _

"_DEAN!" he yelled as a burst of adrenaline flushed through his body. In an instant he was on his feet with his gun aimed point blank at the beast's skull. He could see the previous hole Dean's bullet had made, a straight shot through the brain, one that should have killed it instantly. The guns don't work...they were screwed...No! NO! NO! _

"_Sammy...Run!" Dean's pain filled cry could be made out over the sound of the beast and his screams. "RUN!" he screamed once more with a desperate plea. His brother was trying to protect him...even now...even now he was trying to keep Sam safe. This made the teenager both love and hate him a little bit more. _

_Before Sam could register what he was doing he had pulled the trigger upon his gun, effectively turning the beast's attention on him. Slowly the demon lifted his blood stained muzzle and red eyes to Sam's face and the boy could feel his muscles lock into place upon the spot. He didn't want to run, he didn't want to leave his brother here all by himself, and he couldn't. Dean wouldn't..._

_The beast strolled closer to Sam who remained motionless. He stood his ground almost tempting the creature to try..._

"_LEAVE MY SON'S ALONE!" he heard his father scream somewhere in the distance and it was this that scared the creature off. He lifted his muzzle, growled while baring his teeth then took flight into the forest...but the damage was done...it was too late for one Winchester. _

_Sam's eyes immediately snapped towards the form of his brother. A cry broke out of his lips as his legs crimpled beneath him; the tears cascaded down his face while he grasped one of his elder brother's hands in his. "Dean..." he mumbled and he was rewarded with pain filled glassy eyes settling on his face. _

"_U'kay?" Dean asked in a voice so soft and so gentle and so unlike himself that it scared the youngest Winchester. _

"_Yeah thanks to you jerk," Sam whispered squeezing the hand within his forcefully. The coldness of the appendage scared the young teenager but he attempted to stop this from showing on his face. He had to keep his game face on...a trick Dean had taught him. _

"_Ya w'lcome bitch," Dean mumbled with a grimace crossing his features and a hiss escaping his lips. Sweat had begun to break out across his cold skin, a complete contrast and this increased the panic that was bottling up inside of Sam. _

"_Just hold on Dean...Dad will be here soon...Dad will make everything better you'll see...when you're better I'm going to have to kick your ass," Sam whispered with his voice unable to go any higher in volume or pitch. _

"_Sammy..." Dean whispered in a voice that Sam recognised was defeat. _

"_No Dean...you're going to hang on...you're going to wait for Dad to get back...he will fix this...you just need to hang on a little longer...come on if anyone's stubborn enough it's you...Dean I laugh in the face of death Winchester..." the tears were falling at a rapid pace now. _

"_S'mmy," Dean mumbled once more as his eyes rolled back in his head and his hand became limp in Sam's. His chest slowly stopped rising. _

"_Dean...No...No...No...Stay with me. Come on bro I need you. You can't do this to me; you can't leave me here in this world. Dean please...I need my big brother...I need you...open your eyes...just open your eyes...OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!" _

* * *

The embers danced in front of their eyes. Slowly taunting the small group as they stole away the essence of someone dear to them. The fire roared over the sheet, engulfing the body in one mouthful and providing no form of heat or comfort to anyone. Six pairs of eyes were locked onto this sight with no one daring to say a word. The silence hung over them like a suffocating blanket and no one could feel its vengeance more than the youngest of the group.

Sam could feel the tears running down his cheek, they had become a constant fixture upon his face lately and he knew it would be a while before they disappeared for good. He could feel the arm his father had placed over his shoulder's shaking. He could feel Mac's hand over his free shoulder trembling. He could feel everyone's grief but he couldn't find it in his heart to care. He was numb from the inside out. His heart no longer seemed to be intact; all that he cared about was up in flames. He felt attached from this world almost like his soul had gone with his brother's.

"Our father thou art in heaven..." Sam could vaguely hear Pastor's Jim prayer and this just caused the anger inside of the teenager to boil over. How could there be a God? Where was he for the whole of the Winchester's lives? What the hell had they done to deserve this? What the hell had Dean done? Nothing...he had done nothing! NOTHING!

His right hand clasped onto the amulet that was now round his neck. His only source of contact, his last connection to his elder brother. It felt heavy and foreign against his chest. It was like the weight of it alone was enough to keep him going. He knew that his brother's sacrifice had been for his life, Dean had pushed him out of the demon's path and he had to honour that. He wasn't going to allow his sacrifice to be done it vain no matter how bleak his future seemed or how hard it felt like it was going to be. That much he could do...

"Ashes to ashes dust to dust." Pastor Jim uttered finishing his prayer.

Sam's eyes were fixated upon his brother's burning body. He couldn't believe that he was dead. He couldn't believe that there would be no more sharing a room, no teasing, no one calling him a girl, no one bitching him about his hair, no one to fight with over the remote, no one to turn to for advice and no warm arms to sink into when the world seems too much. He was on his own...he was on his own...

He was on his own.

"Dean..." he muttered under his breath in a broken sob. He could feel the arm around his shoulders tighten.

"Son...Sammy...let's go inside," his father whispered beside him his voice quiet and shattered. Something the young teenager had never heard his father sound like before and that thought scared him. "Come on Sammy..."

"IT'S SAM. IT'S FUCKING SAM TO YOU!" Sam shouted before he could even process his words. He pulled away from his shocked father's grasp and spun on his heels to face him. His hand still held onto the amulet. "ONLY HE GET'S TO CALL ME SAMMY! IT'S DEAN'S NAME NOT YOUR'S. IT'S DEAN'S! ALWAYS WILL BE DEAN'S!"

Sam's voice choked as he uttered his brother's name, the pain too sore and too fresh inside of him. "Don't ever call me that again..."

"Ok Samm...Sam, please son let's just go inside...how about a nice hot chocolate?"

"You don't know how I like it!" Sam bit back immediately realising that no his father didn't know. He didn't know Dean's special chocolate overload...in fact...in fact he didn't really know anything about him. Not really...Dean knew his shampoo because he brought it, Dean knew his favourite foods, his favourite TV programs and films, his favourite pair of jeans and his favourite book. Dean knew everything about him...

"Sam? Come on." John took a step closer to his son only to have Sam take a step back holding his hands up in front of him. "Sam?"

"I don't want you. I don't need you," Sam muttered through clenched teeth, the tears continued their merciless assault on his cheeks. "I don't want you," he repeated.

"Son?" John questioned with his own tears still snaking their way down his face. "Please..." he almost begged.

Sam shook his head and took another step back, his hand tightened around the amulet to a point where his knuckles were almost a ghostly white. "No...No...No...Dean...I want Dean...Dean...I want Dean...not you...never you...Dean..." he repeated with his wide, scared and glassy hazel eyes darting all around him. He felt like all the air had been taken from around him. He could almost hear his brother's voice in his head. _"Oh Sammy...come here_." But he couldn't...he couldn't run to those arms because those arms no longer existed. His home was gone. His security was gone...his brother was gone.

"Sam get in right now," John sounded like he was on the verge of anger which mixed in with his grief making it a bad combination. "I'm not going to tell you again."

Sam took one more step backwards. His eyes searched the faces of his fellow hunter's and friends. From Mac's to Caleb's. From Pastor Jim's to Bobby's. The hunter he wanted to see would never stand with them again. He shook his head with the tears flying off of his face in the process.

"NO I DON'T WANT YOU! I WANT DEAN!" Sam yelled before he spun on his heels and sprinted as fast as he could through the woods. He had no idea where he was going but he knew he just couldn't stay there any longer. Still clutching at the amulet he ran...and ran...ran...leaving the sound of the distressed hunter's behind him.

"SAM! SAM! SSSSSSAAAAAAAMMMMMYYYYY!"

TBC? (**Hey there, thanks so much to those who reviewed and put this story on story alert, it means a lot to me. I will continue this fic as long as you want me to. Don't forget to read and review as it always makes me smile. Until part three...maybe**)


	3. Chapter 3

"SAMMY!" John shouted about to take off after his child until he felt three restraining hands grab at his shoulders. Pissed off he glared at his companions; the tear tracks were fresh upon his face as his eyes glinted in warning. "Get off of me!"

"No," Pastor Jim replied standing in front of the aggravated, grief stricken and broken father. "We can't allow you to go after the boy in the state you are in."

"That state I'm in? What about Sam? Anything could happen to him out there! LET ME FUCKING GO FIND MY SON!" John shouted twisting in his friend's grip attempting to break free to no avail. "FUCKING LET ME GO!"

"John it's for the best," Caleb announced tightening his grip on the man's bicep. "If the runt is anything like you he will need some time."

"Caleb's right, that boy is breaking..." Bobby pitched in only to be interrupted by the eldest Winchester.

"EXACTLY THAT IS WHY HE NEEDS ME! LET ME GO I NEED TO FIND MY SON. I NEED TO FIND SAMMY. HE NEEDS ME!"

"No John, it's not you he wants to see right now. He needs to be alone; he needs time to grieve just like you do. Samuel needs to mourn in his own time and you have to allow him to have his chance. He is hurting, lost and confused right now..." Jim said taking a step closer to John whose eyes were now locked onto him.

"That is why I need to be with him, he's my son, he's my family...I can't lose him...I just can't," John whispered with his voice hitching upon the word son. Fresh tears had started to make their way down his face. This was the most he had cried since the night his Mary had died with the same heartache pounding against his chest. His fingers itched for a bottle or three of his favourite companion, Jack Daniels. He wanted to drown his grief with an alcohol induced mist or a major hunting spree, starting with the son of a bitch who had taken....taken...That name was too painful to think let alone speak out loud. "I can't lose another one...It will kill me," he added truthfully.

He could feel his companion's hands leave his arms and the sudden loss of contact almost sent him crashing to his knees once more. Almost.

He watched the Pastor take a couple more steps closer to him and soon he found himself face to face with his old friend. Jim reached out and placed a soothing hand upon his shoulders and squeezed slightly. "I know and you won't. However you can't go running after the boy in this state. Samuel needs to work out his own mind right now. He is so very lost without his brother, I know we all are but you know those two. You couldn't call one without getting the other tagging along; they were practically joined at the hip, two halves of the same person. It must feel like he has lost a part of himself and you running like a mad man after him won't do either of you any favours."

"I don't know what to do Jim. I failed them. I failed my boys...I can't...I won't...I just can't" John sobbed feeling the tears increase in pressure down his cheeks. His usual hard exterior had been cracked. He had been stripped naked and what was left was a broken man on a verge of losing everything and everyone he had ever loved. "I've let Mary down," he cried out before feeling the Pastor's arms wrap around his shoulders.

"John...you should go inside, get some coffee, I'll go look for Samuel. I promise I will bring him home to you..."

John wiped a weary hand across his face while he nodded his head. Slowly he pushed the Pastor's arm away from his body and turned to face his other companions. With another nod of his head they began to walk inside with John hesitating for a couple of moments. He tilted his head so he could look over his shoulder at his friend. "Please tell him how much I love him," with those words the broken father walked through the Salvage Yard into the house with the weight of the world pressing down upon his shoulders.

Jim watched him go with a few tears of his own snaking their way down his cheeks. He had never seen his friend so broken...well...not since the first time he met him almost thirteen years ago now. He knew that the man was on breaking point, on the verge of cascading down a dark and dangerous path. One that he knew was inevitable. One that he knew he had no control over but he wouldn't let the young boy be dragged down with him. No...He was going to make sure that Samuel was safe...that much he owed the middle Winchester.

Lifting his head to the heavens as a few droplets of rain started to fall he whispered "Lord make sure you look after these Winchesters, they need a miracle." Waiting a couple of seconds to utter a silent prayer in his head the Pastor turned his eyes from the night sky down to the now shimmering embers. Only ashes remained of the seventeen years old, such a young life that had been wasted. Allowing his own tears to continue to fall he pulled up the collar of his coat and strode off in the same direction the youngest Winchester had disappeared in.

Knowing that he had to pick up the shattered pieces before it was too late.

* * *

He ran and ran until his legs gave out under him. Then he pushed himself up onto his elbows and crawled along the forest floor. The rain poured down upon him with no mercy, covering him from head to toe. The tears continued flowing down his cheek to such an extent that he had no idea where the tears started and the rain stopped.

He pulled his body along until he felt like he could no further. Slowly he made his way over to an ancient willow tree and propped his body up against the trunk. The leaves formed a small shelter with only every other droplet of rain falling through the gaps. The young boy sobbed as he pulled his knees up into his chest, wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head in his knees. His shoulder's shook while dry sobs wracked his body. Painful hiccups escaped his lips every so often forcing him to feel apart from that he was numb.

He had no idea how long he remained in that one position, for him it was like time had stood still. He felt like he was stuck within this one moment doomed to repeat the torture for the rest of eternity. He felt detached from the world and even his own body. And it was in these feelings that the fourteen year old took refuge in. It was in these feelings that he retreated so far into that he became a shell of the person he once was.

The rain cascaded down from the heavens almost like the sky was crying along with the young boy. Thunder rolled and lightening boomed causing Sam to jump. He lifted his head and his red rimmed eyes darted around his surroundings. Another burst of lightening rang out through the atmosphere which in turn caused the teenager to whimper.

"_Oh Sammy...You seriously still freaked out by storms? After everything you have seen? Dude you're such a girl." _Sam could practically hear his elder brother's voice clear as day in his head and he found himself laughing hysterically until another boom of thunder changed this to a whimper.

He never liked storms, he had been scared of them ever since was he was five years old. He could remember how scared he used to get, how he locked himself in the bathroom with Dean's favourite jacket. He could also remember how Dean would always pick the lock to the bathroom, carrying a flashlight, chocolate and a duvet. The two boys would lock themselves in the bathroom while they took shelter in the bathtub with Sam wrapped up in his elder brother's arms with the duvet wrapped around them. Sam could never gain that same feeling of safety as he felt in those moments with his brother. Dean had a presence that instantly screamed out security. He always felt safe in the same room as his brother. That had always been the way...

Swiping a shaking hand along the bottom of his eyes he attempted to wipe away the persistent tears. He stifled the shudder that threatened to take over his body as another roll of thunder and lightning rang out. He uncurled his numb knees from his chest and pushed himself up onto his feet. He knew he had to go back, his father had probably sent out a search party for him by now. But Sam couldn't have stayed there any longer, he couldn't stay near the fire...he had to get away...he needed to get away...Lifting his head to the heavens the young boy prayed that his father wasn't going to be too pissed or drunk. The latter seemed more likely if what Dean told him about how their Dad had acted after their mother had passed.

"I hope Dean found you mum," Sam whispered as he plunged his hands into the depths of Dean's denim jacket. He sighed deeply and began to walk back the way he came. By now the tears had decreased in their numbers as the teenager seemed to have finally run dry after many hours. However he knew that it wasn't going to be the last of them. His life was just beginning and he knew it was going to be long and difficult without his brother's guidance, love and support. But he was going to continue on...he owed his brother that much...he was going to live Dean's life for him and he was going to make his big brother proud. That was all that mattered to him now. That was what he was going to live for, what was going to keep him going.

Sam had managed about five steps until the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He could feel alarm bells ringing in his head and instantly his hand moved down to the waistband of his jeans. Realisation washed over him, he was unarmed, he always had a gun or a weapon on him...Dean made sure...Dean...He wasn't there to remind him. Fuck.

Slowly the teenager increased his pace hoping that he would make it back to the house full of hunter's before whatever his stalker was caught up to him. That thought was entirely in vain.

All of a sudden the teenager felt an invisible force impact with his stomach which sent him hurtling onto his ass. All breath whooshed out of him leaving him panting and almost doubled over. He could hear several pairs of footsteps make their way over to where he lay. His hazel eyes peered up and focused upon a middle aged man looming over him.

The man smirked as he placed a restricting foot on the boy's chest, cutting off his airway slightly in the process. His blue eyes glistened menacingly. "Hello there Samuel."

"What do you want?" Sam questioned practically spitting his words at the man while his eyes noticed several other people walk forward to form a circle where he was sprawled out on the forest floor. He could feel the fear begin to well up inside of him threatening to overwhelm him at any given moment however he refused to let this show upon his face.

"_Keep your game face on Sammy..." _once again the fourteen years old could hear his brother's voice in his head. It was almost like Dean was right next to him whispering in his ear. Pushing this thought aside along with the grief that was once again creeping up on him the young boy focused on his situation at hand. He had to keep focused, that was rule number three on the hunt...that was one rule Dean had been persistently trying to get him to grasp. Once again the fourteen year old had to push his thoughts aside...okay...so maybe he did need to focus more...

"What the fuck do you want?" Sam seethed through clenched teeth as his hands flew up to grab at the ankle crushing his chest. Summoning the little strength he had he attempted to throw the man off of him to no avail. If anything his efforts just caused the man to add more weight to that appendage.

"What do we want?" the man repeated his blue eyes morphing to the deepest black along with those around him. "Why Samuel we want you."

"M...Me?" Sam stammered swallowing past the thick lump that had formed at the back of his throat. He could feel the terror swell inside him to an overwhelming rate. He was literally surrounded by about six demons and he was alone...he had never been alone before...not on a hunt...not in a situation like this. He was so screwed. "W...W...Why me?" he added mentally kicking himself for allowing the demons to see the fear they caused him.

"W...W...Why me?" the male demon towering over the teenager cackled as he removed his foot and leaned down so that he grasped the boy's t-shirt in his fists. His face was two inches away from Sam's and his black eyes penetrated the teenager's hazel. Sam could smell the sulfur on the demon's breath and it was taking all of his self control not to gag then and there. "Oh Samuel, you see we need to teach your daddy a lesson. He sent someone very dear to us far, far away and we need to show him what it is like to lose someone like that...but it appears that we were too late. Someone got there before us."

The demon cackled which caused his companions to mimic his laughter which in turn caused the anger within Sam to increase tenfold. He brought his knee up so that it came crashing down into the demon's chest while he brought his fist up to connect with the man's jaw. With a cry of surprise the demon released his grip while the teenager rolled to his left.

Before he was able to pick himself up to his feet he felt a pair of strong arms grip him around the waist and lift him up. Another arm snaked around his neck while two more gripped his arms, holding them straight out to his side. Another two grasped at his ankles effectively holding him in place. The male demon picked himself up off of the floor, cracked his neck to the side and made his way over to the boy until he was standing in front of him once more. A sadistic smirk crossed over his lips.

He cracked his knuckles while he spoke. "Touché subject huh Samuel? Aww is the poor baby hurting over losing his big brother?" his words once more caused the demons restraining Sam to laugh in unison. "Is the poor baby gonna cry?"

"You son of a bitch," Sam hissed feeling the tears push against his tear ducts, tears of grief, tears of fear but mostly tears of anger. He attempted to shake off the hands that restrained him while he leaned forward to get closer to the demon. He wanted to rip the man apart with his bare hands for even daring to speak about his brother. He wanted to make the demon suffer for even considering thinking about his brother. "You fucking son of a bitch!"

"Jeez, did big brother teach you such foul language? Well you don't have to worry about that, he is no longer around but we still have a score to settle with your father and what's better revenge then killing his only son he has left a day or so after he lost his first born. Oh revenge will be sweet..." the man brought his fist back and this connected with the teenager's jaw splitting his lip upon in the process.

The storm continued to roll, the rain poured down harder and the lightning struck the ground close to the demons and the teenaged hunter. It was almost like the sky was growing angrier as the wind began to pick up around them. This didn't seem to deter the demons at all.

"John Winchester will pay for the day he dared to pick on my family!" the male demon shouted bringing his fist up to connect with Sam's left eye while his knee connected with the teenager's stomach. The hands grasping onto Sam made it impossible for him to react, in fact he was finding it hard to breath. Pain flared out of his stomach and he could feel blood run down out of the corner of his mouth and the tip of his eyebrow. The rain bombarded upon his form making him shiver involuntarily this just caused the demons to tighten their grasp upon him again. "HE WILL PAY WITH THE BLOOD OF HIS YOUNGEST SON!" with those words the male demon brought out a knife from his waistband and pressed this against the teenager's throat.

Sam's eyes were locked onto the metal touching his skin. The fear for his life had literally frozen him into position. The lump in the back of his throat seemed to have doubled in size with his heart hammering viciously against his ribcage. A single tear rolled down his cheek with the only thought in his head being that he would finally be reunited with his brother once more. Slowly he allowed his eyes to close, silently whispered his goodbyes to his father and told his brother to keep a space open for him and he silently prayed for his brother to help him. He could feel the knife press even harder into his skin until he could feel a droplet of blood make its way down his neck.

"I hope you said your goodbyes to your father..." with those words the demon lifted the knife away from his neck and held it slightly away from the teenager's throat. A sadistic smile crossed his face. "Say goodbye Samuel!"

"_NO ONE MESSES WITH MY FAMILY!" _a new voice boomed throughout the atmosphere over the sound of the thunder, over the sound of the rain and over the sound of the lightning. One that was so familiar to the teenager.

Instantly Sam could feel the demons release their hold upon him. He opened his eyes only to have to shut them tight as an intense white light overwhelmed the atmosphere. He could hear the sound of the demon's screams and as suddenly as it came everything went silent. There were no sounds, no sounds of the wildlife, no sounds of the rain, and no sounds of the storm. Only the sound of Sam's panicked breathes could he heard.

Sam cracked open his eyes and instantly felt all his breath leaves him. He shook his head and took a couple of steps back while his hazel eyes locked onto familiar emerald green. "No...No...No...Not him...Why him...No!" he stammered. He continued to back away while the figure in front of him looked down at him with sadness and understanding. His whole form was glowing a soft white and his green eyes were more vibrant and more alive than they had ever seemed.

"No...You're not him...you can't be him..._Dean..._" Sam sobbed with his knees giving out underneath him. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head in his knees. The tears overwhelmed his eyes while his shoulders shook with the quiet sobs that racked his body. Everything was too much. His whole body was shaking, his clothes were drenched and his body was exhausted.

"_Ssh...Let it all out Sammy, it's alright, you're safe now...let it all out,_" so he did. The teenager cried until he felt he could cry no more. He could feel strong arms wrap around him and bring him into their chest however he refused to lift his head, afraid of what he would see if he did. He allowed his eyes to close as he gave into his exhaustion. He could feel something soft wrap around him like a blanket, it felt like feathers caressing his skin. A feeling of home and safety overwhelmed him, luring the fourteen year old into a peaceful sleep upon the forest floor. The last thing the teenager heard before he lost consciousness was

"_Don't worry Sammy...I will always be watching over you." _

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Jim had been walking through the woods for the past two hours; the rain had come stopped along with the storm. The air had a peaceful atmosphere settling around it, the calm after the storm however the Pastor didn't feel any comfort. His tears had long dried up on his face as he had continued his desperate search to find the youngest Winchester.

He knew he had to find him as soon as possible. There was no telling what state the boy would be in but he knew that he was breaking. That poor boy was shattering into a million pieces without his brother by his side to act as the glue.

He also knew that Sam needed comfort more than ever and he will refuse to accept any form from everyone who wants to help. The teenager was in a fragile emotional and mental state, hell both of the Winchester's had reached breaking point and it was up to Jim to pull them back from the brink. It was his job now, the glue to the Winchester's stability was gone and now it was time for him to take over the role. To become the sellotape, to patch up the cracks but never fully be able to paste them back together again. No that was the glues job and there was substitute, nor will there ever be.

Drawing in a deep breath the Pastor pulled up the collar of his drenched jacket higher and broke through the trees into a clearing. His eyes locked onto a seemingly small form curled in on itself in the middle of the clearing. He could clearly see the shivers making its way through the person's body as their shoulders shook and his heart broke further at the sight. Tears pressed violently at the corner of his eyes while he made his way over to the broken form.

"Oh Sammy..."

* * *

"_No...You can't be here," Sam murmured breaking away from the man's grip. He refused to acknowledge him as his brother. It was just not possible. Dean was...Well...he was...that word didn't even bear thinking of. _

_The young teenager stood up on shaking legs and reversed until his back came into contact with the nearest tree. His eyes locked onto the glowing form that by now had pushed up to his full height. A soft white glow surrounded the other man's form as his gentle sad emerald eyes watched Sam's every movement. _

"_NO! WHO ARE YOU?" Sam shouted shaking his head in the process. "WHAT ARE YOU?"_

"_Sammy..." NotDean muttered attempting to take a step closer to the distraught teenager. "Sammy it's..."_

"_DON'T YOU DARE? DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME SAMMY!" _

"_Ok Sam, you have to listen there isn't much time..." NotDean said in a calm and soothing voice, one that his brother used to use to calm Sam down after a particularly nasty nightmare or hunt. It was that tone of voice that always told him that his big brother was there and that everything was going to be alright, one full of promises and hope. To hear that coming from the imposter's mouth was like twisting the knife deeper into his heart. It was too much pain to bear too soon. _

"_YOU'RE NOT HIM! YOU CAN'T BE HIM! FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF!" Sam screamed falling to his knees. Tears cascaded down his face at a rapid pace and his chest heaved attempting to get the much needed breath into his lungs. He wanted to close his eyes and give into the increasingly tempting darkness. He wanted to go somewhere where there was no pain and no suffering. He wanted to bury himself in a hole so deep that no one would ever find him, not that anyone would even care. He knew that the others blamed him...It was all his fault. _

"_No, stop thinking like that. It was never your fault and they don't blame you. I don't blame you. You need to carry on little brother..." the imposter called out soothingly as he took a couple of steps closer to Sam. Slowly he kneeled down in front of the teenager and his hand cupped the boy's cheek gently, lifting his chin so he could look into his eyes. "It was never your fault..." _

"_G...G...Get out of my head," Sam stammered feeling the fight slowly drain out of him. He was so tempted just to give up, to allow the demons to take him far, far away. What was there left for him in his life now? What was the point in continuing if this road is only going too led to his death someday? _

"_No, I won't let that happen but you need to carry on. Where is the famous Winchester fight? Come on Sammy you're one of the most stubborn people to walk this earth, well apart from me and Dad..." NotDean smirked and the expression was so Dean that more tears started to flow down the young teenager's cheek. His whole body shook with the effort it took to conceal his sobs. "I need you to carry on, Dad needs you. Dad needs you more than ever. So you can't give up little bro..." _

"_You're not my brother, my brother isn't here, and you're not my brother. I want Dean. I want my Dean. Not you. NOT YOU!" Sam shouted yanking his head out of the imposter's grasp and turning away so that his eyes no longer connected with the impossibly bright green of the imposter. "I just want my brother back." _

_He sensed the imposter sigh. "I'm right here Sammy," with those words NotDean pressed a hand against Sam's chest, right over his heart. The teenager turned his eyes down to stare at the hand, he noticed the scar running down from the bottom of his thumb to the start of his wrist, a result of a run in with a poltergeist and he noticed leather bracelet fastened around his wrist. A bracelet Sam himself had his own version of. Dean had made them out of his old leather jacket, one that had become torn during his first kill of a werewolf. Dean had ripped the leather up and made two bracelets before throwing out his jacket. Sam also remembers it being the day that their Dad had told Dean how proud he was of him and to show this he had given him his brown leather jacket. Every detail of the imposter was perfect. He was a perfect replica of his elder brother...could it really be...? _

"_D...D...D..." Sam stammered unable to utter his beloved brother's name. He could feel the sobs continue to build up in the back of his throat. Swallowing past the lump that had formed the teenager managed a soft whisper "Dean?" _

_NotDean smiled gently not removing his hand from over Sam's heart. "Heya Sammy." _

"_Dean," Sam breathed out in awe. He leapt forward and wrapped his arms around his elder brother's neck, holding on for dear life. Tears flowed out of his eyes once more while he breathed in the scent that was so familiar to him that it was just like coming home. He could feel his brother tighten his grip around his waist which in turn pulled him closer into his chest. "Dean." _

"_Ssh, we don't have much time left..." _

"_No...NO! YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME AGAIN! Please stay with me...I need you Dean...stay?" Sam practically begged into his brother's shoulder, he didn't care that he was showing his weakness, he didn't care he was technically being a twelve year old girl. He needed his brother. He needed his brother there by his side through his life. Dean had been there for every momentous moment in his life so far, there was no way he could consider the prospect. _

"_I can't. I have to go, they are calling for me," Dean replied. _

_Sam lifted his head out of Dean's shoulder and his bloodshot hazel met sorrow filled emeralds. "Who? Tell them to fuck off; I need you more than them..." _

"_Jeez where did you learn to use language like that," Dean joked raising one eyebrow in mock surprise. A small smirk spread across his lips however it refused to meet his eyes. A fact Sam didn't fail to notice. "I need you to listen closely. I will always be there for you little bro, no matter what. All you need to do is call, call for me and I will come, just like always." _

_Sam nodded and he could feel his brother's grip loosen. At the same time he could hear a familiar voice call out his name from far away. _

"Sam!"

"_Please don't leave me." _

_Dean's smirk faded into a sympathetic smile. Tears of his own were shining in his eyes and this just caused Sam's heart to break even more. He had never seen his brother like this, so honest, so open and unafraid to cry. It was beautiful and shattering at the same time. This was Dean without all his walls up; this was the Dean behind the mask. The Dean only Sam had been allowed to see before. _

"Sam, come on son..."

"_Remember Sammy, just call my name and I will be there..."_

"_Dean," Sam whispered feeling his brother's presence slowly fade away. He watched as his elder brother's skin started to become transparent. "Please...!" _

"_Just call my name." _

* * *

"SAM!"

Sam's eyes jerked open involuntarily and he became aware of the pair of arms shaking his shoulders. Slowly he looked blearily up to the face looming over him. "Dean?" he whispered while he waited for his vision to adjust. When everything came into focus the teenager felt his heart drop down into the depths of his stomach as he recognised the face of Pastor Jim peering down at him intently.

"Pastor Jim?"

"Yes Sam, welcome back. For a moment there I thought I lost you."

"Lost me?" Sam whispered. At that moment all his other senses came rushing back to him. He could feel the hard forest floor press against his back, he could hear the foxes cry in the night, he could feel his damp clothes stick to his skin and he could feel the violent tremors run along the length of his spine. Along with this the memories of the events of the past three days rushed through his mind.

Suddenly he shot up into sitting position, shaking the hands off of him in the process. His eyes darted around the surroundings as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. There were no bodies, no demons and more importantly no brother. What the hell?

Slowly his eyes sweeped once more around the clearing before focusing on the Pastor's face once more. "Where's Dean?" he asked and he watched as Jim's face paled in the moonlight. His face was stretched into a sympathetic and almost too caring a smile, his eyes shone with unshed tears and Sam refused to notice the apparent grief in them. "Where did Dean go?" he repeated.

"Sam..." the Pastor exhaled gently. "Dean's gone."

"No he was here, he saved me."

"Saved you?!" Jim answered sceptically. He placed both of his hands on the teenager's shoulders forcing the boy to look straight into his eyes. "What do you mean saved you son? From the werewolf?"

"No...Well yes but he saved me recently. From the demons."

"The demons?" the Pastor repeated incredously. Sam could see the doubt and confusion written all over the elder man's face and this just caused a sense of anger to stir deep inside of him. Why didn't he believe him? Dean had been there...he was sure...right?

"Yes demons, am I speaking a different language?"

"Samuel..." Jim only used his full name on formal occasions or when he needed to have a serious chat with him, whatever he was going to say next the teenager knew it wasn't going to be something he wanted to hear. "Dean's gone son. He wasn't here and neither were the demons."

"No they were here!" Sam exclaimed pushing the Pastor's arms away from him as he stood to his full height. His eyes darted around him trying to find a shred of proof but...but...there was nothing. Nothing but trees and dirt and rocks and leaves and puddles. Nothing to show the existence of the demons, nothing to show his elder brother had been there.

Dean had been there! He was sure of it...at least he thought he was.

"There were no demons here son; the only demons are the ones plaguing your mind. You're upset I can understand that but you have to understand...Dean is gone Sam and he isn't coming back."

The Pastor's words just added fuel to the ever growing fire inside of Sam. In an instant he had turned on his heels and fisted the Pastor's coat. He knew how ridiculous it must look; a five foot six fourteen year old threatening a five foot nine Priest but he couldn't care less. His anger was controlling him; the need to be believed was taking over. Why didn't he believe him?!

"No, he was here. He told me to call for him whenever I needed him. He wouldn't abandon me. He was here. He was here...he had to have been here...I felt his arms around me. He held me and told me he will always be here for me. But where is he? He wouldn't just leave me like this...I need him!" Sam whispered feeling his anger fade with every word he uttered. His eyes locked onto the sorrowful Pastor's and he could see the deep concern within.

"You have to listen to me Samuel. There were no demons; it was only you and your imagination out here. You're exhausted and drenched, you're mind is playing tricks on you my boy. Dean is gone and he isn't coming back. You need to let him go, you need to allow yourself time to move on. I know it's hard and it will take a long time but Sam you can't kid yourself. He is here...in your heart. And that's where he will remain for the rest of eternity!"

Sam released his grip on the Pastor as his words hit home. He could feel the phantom touch of his brother's hand on his chest, right above his heart. He could hear Dean's words replaying in his head and his scent still filled his nose. It had felt so real and yet....yet maybe Jim was right.

Dean hadn't been there.

There were no demons.

But he was so sure....

There had to be...it felt...it felt so real...

_Dean _had felt so real.

Sam squeezed his eyes shut. He felt so confused, so lost; he had no idea what was reality anymore. He needed someone to ground him before the earth crumbled beneath his feet. He could feel his whole world shattering around him with no escape seeming possible.

Dean had to have been here...he had to!

A lone tear snaked its way down the boy's cheek as he felt a strong hand fall onto his shoulder giving it a squeeze in the process. He felt no comfort from this touch. He felt hollow on the inside and he knew he was mere moments away from breakdown once more. He wanted to fall deep deep into the shadows and never come out.

"_I need you to carry on little bro, you can't give up,_" Dean's voice whispered.

Instantly the fourteen year olds eyes snapped open and he looked up at the Pastor with a hopeful expression upon his face. "See he is here!" he exclaimed with an almost hysterical smile crossing his lips but this fell as soon as he noticed the confused expression upon Jim's face. "You didn't hear him?" he whispered almost afraid to even ask.

"Hear who?" When Jim received no reply he repeated his question. "Sam? Hear who?"

"Dean," Sam whispered feeling the dread and grief flow through his body. He hadn't heard...did that mean? Was he really hearing things? Had that even happened?

Sam stifled a whimper. He had no idea what was real anymore. All he wanted was to rewind the last week and stop his father from dragging them onto that stupid hunt. The hunt that had cost them their whole lives. The hunt that had cost them his elder brother.

But that was just wishful thinking...

"Let's get you home son," Pastor Jim murmured gently as he wrapped his arm around the boy's shoulder and started to lead him into the direction of the Salvage Yard and the home of Dean's gravesite.

Sam allowed himself to be lead. His legs moved on their own accord while his head was somewhere else. All his thoughts were centred on his brother.

Did that happen?

Had he really been there?

Or was Sam just going crazy?

"Don't worry son, I will look after you," he knew Pastor Jim was speaking but it wasn't his voice he could hear.

"_Don't worry Sammy; I'm looking out for you..."_

TBC? (**Hey all, a short chapter compared to usual but I am focusing most of my writing time on my other fic Vampire Nights at the moment. Hope you all enjoyed that chapter and I will continue this if you want it continued. Don't forget reviews are awesome and let me know what you think. Until next time...maybe) **


	5. Chapter 5

Sam's vacant eyes stared out of the window at the coming dawn. Tear tracks were visible on his cheeks and they slowly seemed to become a permanent fixture on his face. His knees were pulled up into his chest as he lay on the bed furthest away from the door with his back to the other bed, the door and the whole world. Dean's leather jacket lay across his body while his right hand clutched onto the amulet like his life depended on it. His whole body shook as tremors made their way down his spine and his nose felt heavy and congested. He knew that at the moment he was suffering the side effects of his trip into the forest alone and he couldn't help but feel that he deserved this punishment. Hell he deserved a hell of a lot more than a cold...

He deserved to be the one whose ashes were buried deep in the ground.

He deserved to be the one whose name was nothing more than a distant memory.

He deserved to die. He was the younger, weaker and less skilled Winchester, he was the one the wolf demon should have taken, not Dean...Not Dean. Dean who had never done anything to deserve his punishment in his life, sure he wasn't perfect. Come on this is Dean Winchester we are talking about not a damned saint. Ok maybe Dean stole, lied...a lot...womanized and killed things but it was all part of a hunter's life. Underneath that shell he was a compassionate, sympathetic, strong, fierce, lovable and courageous protector and brother and son. He was the perfect soldier, the perfect son and now...now John was left with Sam...The deadweight of the family.

Sam could see no light in his future, all he could see was one hunt after the other, a never ending cycle for revenge against events that they can never change. Revenge for the mother and wife who had been engulfed by a fire and a brother and son who had been mulled by a demonic wolf. After the revenge had been fulfilled what happened then? Deep down the teenager knew the answer; there will always be another hunt, another reason to continue on this suicide mission until the hunt claims their lives like so many before them. This road could only finish two ways.

Sad

Or

Bloody.

That was a hunter's life. This was Sam's life and there was nothing he could do about it. He was another pawn in the supernatural war, another victim to revenge and another innocent soul whose heart had been corrupted. The hunt was going to consume him one way or another like it had his father. Like it would have Dean. He would become another notch on the supernatural entities bedpost.

All for what?

Pain? Blood? Sorrow? Heartache? No real life? Was this road worth all that? Was it worth all the sacrifices he has to make or has made already? Was it really worth him dying over?

The people they save never thank them, they never offer any form of gratitude, they just look at you with this lost broken expression and you know that there is another innocent out there who was now aware of the supernatural life. And there was nothing you could do to stop them from finding out.

This was a war that had no end. An endless cycle that they could never win. Was it really worth it in the end?

Dean had managed to break free from the cycle and all it had cost him was his life. Was that the price Sam would have to pay as well? His life for his freedom?

* * *

Sam was brought out of his musings by a gentle knock upon his bedroom door however he chose to ignore the newcomer. He didn't want to speak to anyone, let alone see anyone at this moment in time. He just wanted to be left alone to grieve besides none of the hunter's out there believed him...hell he didn't know whether he believed him but Dean...Dean had felt so real. It had felt so real when he was held in his big brother's arms and there was no way that encounter had to be anything less than reality. If it was in his head...well he would rather be there then face a moment longer in this world.

"Sam I'm coming in now," a voice from behind the door muttered as they knocked gently on the door one more time before opening it slowly.

Sam continued to stare out of the window as he pulled his legs closer into his chest. The tears by now had stopped their assault on his cheeks but the evidence that they had been there still remained. He could feel his blood run through his fingers where the horn on the amulet had dug deep into his skin and it was this pain that kept him grounded. It was this pain that told him that he was still alive. He couldn't care less that he was getting his blood over his elder brother's amulet, it just added to Dean's blood that already coated the gold and deepened the connection the youngest Winchester had to his brother.

The teenager sensed the newcomer come into the room and as the bed dipped beside him he could feel their hand hover over his shoulder, unsure whether to touch him or not. If he wasn't so deep into his depression Sam might have felt a small sense of amusement over the caution the person was taking, like they were actually scared of his reaction, a caution that other hunter's had only took around Dean before. He was the dangerous Winchester brother, he was the one who was most likely to fly off the handle at any given moment but now it was Sam, maybe he was more like his brother than he had initially thought he was.

"You have to come out of this room sometime," the voice beside whispered gently and the teenager instantly recognised the owner of the voice being one certain Pastor. Fantastic, the damned vessel from so called God come to annoy him again. "Come Sam, let's go downstairs and grab some lunch, you must be starving..." Pastor Jim added grasping the teenaged hunter's shoulder and slowly turning him until he was lying on his back. His hazel eyes locked onto Jim's.

"You think Dean gets to eat where he is?" Sam hissed back with his eyes narrowing towards the man of God. He could feel his pent up grief and anger boil to the surface ready to take it out on the nearest person.

"I'm sure he is at peace and is happy," Pastor Jim answered pushing himself up from the bed and looked down at the boy with a sad pitying smile on his face. A smile which just caused the anger within the teenager to increase.

"Cause he wasn't happy here with us? Is that what you're trying to say? You trying to tell me that my brother wasn't happy with us!" Sam hissed pushing himself up until he was perched on the edge of the bed, his eyes boring dangerously into the Pastor.

"Samuel I'm sure Dean was perfectly happy with you. He is at peace now; he can rest that's what I was trying to say to you."

"Pastor Jim where do you think he is right now?" Sam questioned leaning his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He knew he was heading into dangerous territory with the Pastor but he couldn't care less. He wanted some answers and since the big man upstairs was ignoring him he was going to settle for the next best thing.

"I'm sure he is with God and in the arms of your mother..." the Pastor replied with a small smile crossing his lips. "Now come on, let's get some food in you," he added motioning to the door with his head while he waited for the teenager to move. However Sam stayed put, his lips were pulled in a tight line and his eyes narrowed further.

"So you think he is in heaven?" Sam paraphrased raising one eyebrow in the process.

"Yes...Samuel..." Jim started to say before he was interrupted by the youngest Winchester once more.

"How can you be so sure?"

"I have faith..."

Sam snorted while he rolled his eyes. He tore his eyes away from the confused Pastor while he pushed himself away from the bed and stood to his full height. He walked over to window and peered out once more, turning his back on his companion.

* * *

Sam's hazel eyes locked onto the wooden cross visible at the edge of the salvage yard, near the pond and on the outskirts of the forest. The wooden cross that contained Dean's ashes. All that was left of his brother apart from his material possessions. His heart lurched violently in his chest as his throat began to close up, he could feel another breakdown push its way through his body but he soon repressed this urge. He wanted answers and he couldn't get them blubbering like a little girl. He had shed enough tears for one day.

"What good has faith ever done?" he whispered but in a voice loud enough so the Pastor could hear him. He heard Jim sigh at the same time he heard the bed squeak as the elder man sat, however Sam refused to turn around to face him. He didn't want to see the sorrow and pity in his friends eyes any more, he didn't want people to feel sorry for him, he didn't matter anymore and the sooner people got that into their heads then the sooner he could fall into the deep dark pit of despair that he was hovering dangerously over.

"Faith is a healer; faith helps me get through the day when things are looking bleak. I know that deep down in my heart I am loved by a greater being then ourselves and that makes it easier to make it through this life knowing and seeing the things that we see..."

"Didn't God love Dean?" Sam questioned feeling a small tear trickle down his cheek. "Didn't he love Dean enough to help him through his life or to even save it? Or does he only give a shit about those who have 'faith'?"

"God loves us all..."

"Yeah right, that's a load of bullshit. If he loved all of us he would never allow us to suffer would he. If he loved us he would have intervened during the times we needed him the most, the wars for example. If your so called God loved us he would have never allowed the existence of supernatural creatures that have ruined so many lives..." Sam spat feeling his hatred towards the so called great entity flow fiercely through his veins. "Face it God doesn't give a shit about any of us...if he even exists..."

"Samuel, God works in mysterious ways but that doesn't mean he doesn't love us. He keeps a safe haven open for us when we depart this world however he doesn't intervene with this reality because he gave us the gift of free will. He gave us free will to make what we want out of our lives so we can be individual..."

"So we can turn into psychopathic killers, hell bent on revenge and suffering? Yeah sounds like a loving God..." Sam hissed his eyes remained locked on the cross outside and they widened slightly as the teenager noticed a disturbance in the air around the gravesite.

The air seemed to shimmer and distort until a transparent figure started to appear. The figure crossed his arms against his chest while he leaned on the cross, with his legs outstretched in front of him and his ankles crossed over one another. His eyes were the only opaque feature as the emerald green started up at Sam's hazel. A cocky smile crossed over the man's lips in an instant.

The lump in the back of the teenager's throat grew in size as he lifted a shaking hand to the glass. He pressed his forehead onto the hand while his eyes remained locked onto the enchanting emeralds below. Another tear leaked out of the corner of his eye as a small smile tugged at his lips while he suppressed a hysterical sob that was begging for release at the sight of his elder brother standing so casually next to his grave marker. He didn't know whether to cry or laugh...either one would make him look even more like a loony.

'Dean' uncrossed his arms while his cocky grin morphed into a loving smile. He straightened to his full height and placed his right hand to his forehead in a saluting manner, his lips by now had stretched into a full blown grin. He saluted towards Sam which caused the teenager to chuckle subconsciously. The action was so...so...Dean.

"_Have faith little brother..." _Sam heard Dean's voice whisper almost like he was standing right next to him when the teenager could clearly see his brother outside. Sam nodded his head slowly with the small smile still plastered on his face. He could feel a ghostly force brush his cheek and instantly his tears stopped, a feeling of warmth and home washed over him. He could feel the black hole inside of his chest recede a little and he no longer felt like he was teetering on the edge, he was being pulled back from the brink. There was only one person who could restore his faith in humanity when the world threatened to drown him, to pull him in so deep that he would never see daylight again.

* * *

"I'm sorry," Sam whispered and he watched Dean incline his head in acknowledgement. With that action he could feel a ghostly hand cup his chin in what the teenager knew was meant to be an act of comfort.

"For what?" a voice from beside him called out as a hand landed on his shoulder.

Sam yelped as he was brought back into the room once more. His eyes moved from his brother's ghostly form to the Pastor. He could feel his body trembling from the almost heart attack the Pastor had almost created. His heart pounded faster in his chest while he waited for his breathing to return to normal.

"I wasn't..." he started to say as he turned to face back out of the window but stopped mid sentence. The salvage yard was empty of spirits once more; in fact there was no evidence of any disturbance at all. What the...?

The ghostly force on his face had vanished yet his skin still tingled with the memory of the touch. He could sense Jim's confusion as he turned to face the elder man once more who was staring outside like he was trying to figure out what it was that had the teenager so transfixed. It was apparent that the Pastor didn't see Dean...if he even was there in the first place...Of course he was...he had to have been...

"Samuel?" Jim questioned with his gaze now boring down into the teenaged hunter and his hand squeezed Sam's shoulder gently.

"Um...I wasn't...I wasn't...." Sam stammered trying to think of a cover up to what he originally was going to say. Yeah there was no way in hell he could tell the Pastor that he 'wasn't speaking to him but to his dead brother.' Cause that just helps his claim of sanity so much.

"I know, you're just grieving I understand," Jim interrupted saving the boy from the hassle of trying to spin a decent enough lie, he never could lie very well...that was more of a Dean trait. "Come along now, let's get some food in you, you're a growing boy after all."

Jim wrapped his arm round Sam's shoulders and led the reluctant boy away from the window and towards the door. "I know right now things seem tough but have a little faith and everything will seem better." _Have faith little brother. _"I know that Dean's up there right now, looking down upon us, at you with your mother, safe in the presence of God."

Sam repressed the urge to roll his eyes at that statement as he was led out of the room for the first time in three days. He had no idea where Dean actually was...but he knew for sure that it wasn't with the presence of God.

Not unless God was hiding amongst the beat up cars...

* * *

Sam's shot one last look through the doorway towards the window. This had been the second time in four days that he had seen his brother and he still wasn't sure whether it was real or not. He wanted to believe so much but it was hard.

"_Have faith little brother." _

Sam felt the love and comfort overwhelm his body once more as those words were whispered in his head once more. Feeling his sorrow lessen for the first time the young hunter could feel confidence flood his veins. Shaking his shoulder's he shrugged the Pastor's arm off of his shoulder and turned his attention to the staircase in front of him.

"What's for lunch cause I'm starved?" he asked the shocked and confused Pastor.

Jim sobered up instantly and smiled fondly down at the teenager. He ruffled the boy's hair before stepping forward and walking down the stairs.

Sam waited a couple of seconds for the man to leave before turning back towards the bedroom that had been his private prison for depression. His own smile crossed his face as he thought back to his brother's words.

"I have faith in you Dean," with those words the teenager drew in a deep breath and made his way downstairs.

He was ready...

Ready to face the other hunters...

Ready to face the day...

Ready to face the world...

But the one thing he wasn't ready to face...

His father...

TBC (**hey all, I hope you enjoyed that chapter, sorry there isn't much action happening but this chapter was necessary to have an insight into how Sam's coping. I have to say that I was overwhelmed with the response to the last chapter, thank you so much and please keep those reviews coming so I know you want to see this story continued. Again thanks once more and hope you enjoyed. Hopefully I will see you all in Part Six**)


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